The girl I thought I was supposed to be
You can't get more Type A than having a piece of paper that reads "No Pain, No Gain" in regards to your college applications.
That's the best example I can give you as to how I lived my life for a long time. I thought I needed to attend an Ivy League school because "they're the best" and "that's where the best people go." I literally had a yellow lined memo pad with all the things I thought I needed to do in order to be accepted to Harvard.
Yep, Harvard. And yes, I would need a full scholarship because there's no way I could afford that school.
Fortunately (in hindsight), I did not get accepted to Harvard and instead went to an in-state business school. I enrolled in a 5 year MBA program, with a quarter system, which meant all my classes were on shortened schedules and tighter timelines. I still worked weekends throughout my freshman year, which meant I had less time for finding myself and building friendships.
Fast forward, I changed schools and ended up commuting the last 3 years of college. I worked 30+ hours a week most weeks, took full course loads each semester, and graduated on time without losing any time due to a school change.
I kept that hard-headed, push through it, make it work, forceful attitude for the next 8 years. Busted my ass, focused on the next milestone above all else, and lived by the "shoulds." You know, I should work hard to pay off my school loans, I should work longer hours to get promoted faster, I should prioritize my career, I shouldn't worry about having fun outside of the weekend, I shouldn't stress about traveling because I can do it when I'm older.
And you know what it led to?
Years of neglecting my health, very few friendships that went below the surface because I didn't make time for them, so much self-doubt, self-inflicted misery, and so much less happiness than I deserved.
And finally, it led to my body and brain giving up because they had tried for years to get me to take care of them and I didn't.
How much of this story resonates with you? How much do you hate that so much of it resonates?
Are you ready to say goodbye to this life?